My Story...

I wrote the following about a year ago:


Pain sucks.
Pain hurts.
But, sometimes, we thrive on it.
Why? Because, for some people, it’s the only thing we know how to feel.
It’s the only thing that’s been there your whole life.
Whether it’s physical, emotional, mental, or by some other means, it’s not always on the surface.
Anger in my life is mostly on the surface.
Happiness is on the surface.
Betrayal, not on the surface.
Broken heart, not on the surface.
The feeling of feeling unwanted, uncared for, not on the surface.
These run deep for me. Very deep.
Yet, nobody understands.
I cover it with a façade, telling no one, and continue to pretend to love life.
I do stupid, unimportant things, and I hang out with others I have grown to be truly fond of just to keep  myself from constantly, always, thriving on my pain.
I text people, call people, hang out with people, party with people.
Because having a connection with others is the only thing that keeps me going.
Without having others to “enjoy” life with, what is the point.
I say I don’t care what people think, and I don’t.
But I put up a front day after day, and never show my true feelings.
It’s not as much for them as it is for me.
Without the front, I would completely lose it. But, hopefully, things will change soon.
I am truly trying to change things and giving meaning to MY life.
I’m not saying these things to upset others.
In fact, I’m not sure if anybody will ever see this.
It depends on how all this goes.
But first, I need to get this all out, and this is the only way that I think I can,
I’m sure I have others that would be here for me now, but I can only think of one.
And, putting that burden on her is something I don’t want to do.
Putting things into words will help; it honestly already is.
So I’m going to write down everything I believe that will help me recover from what I did a few years ago that is just now really sinking in, I thought I understood what I tried to do several years ago.
But, I didn’t. I most certainly did not. And now I know that for sure.
How do I know? Because I now understand almost completely,
I can’t understand it all, because if I did, I wouldn’t be writing this now.
I occasionally thinks of doing the same thing again, but I can never come up with a rational reason why.
It’s all emotional, always has been.
I believe that’s why I try not to get too close to others.
Getting close to others makes me feel for them, when I can hardly feel for myself.
I already feel much better, not holding this in anymore.
And I’ve barely begun getting things off my chest, so this is really going to help. I hope.
I lost two loved ones within a month, and it honestly almost killed me.
I’ve never told anybody, and don’t plan to anytime soon.
The first couple of weeks after both I was numb, kept to myself. Averted myself from both my pain and others.
After a while, though, I just couldn’t deal anymore. I’ve always been oversensitive and this had put me on overload.
One night, about a month after the second death of someone I cared about, I made a decision without even thinking about it. After my parents went to bed, I got out of mine for the first time in a couple of days.
I went into my kitchen and grabbed a bottle of aspirin.
I wasn’t intending on using them for anything other than taking a couple for a headache I had for days as a result of crying and being upset so much.
I took the bottle to my room, took two aspirin, and laid back down.
The headache didn’t go away, so I took another.
The headache was still there, and it was getting unbearable, to the point where I’d do anything to make it stop. I take that back. I don’t think the headache was that bad. What was bad was the emotional pain that gave me the headache. So, again, I took two more. Five aspirin? No big deal, I’ll be fine. But I still wasn’t, so I took three more. And another one just in case. That’s nine aspirin. At this point, I knew what I was doing. I thought I wanted to die. But, I was also scared because I knew there was so much life to live. But, life hurt, and I wanted to get away from that, so I took four more. Yeah, lucky number thirteen. After taking thirteen, I lost it. I even thought about texting someone, but I could hardly open my flip phone.

Just the other day, my friends were telling me about Katt Williams and how hilarious he is, so I decided to watch some YouTube videos of him. And, he is very funny. I’ve watched his videos a lot in the past few days. But, there’s one video of him talking about smoking weed, and he talking about how it’s not a drug and people can’t overdose on weed. But, he says something about how if you take thirteen, it’ll be your last headache. And that’s what I wanted that night, wasn’t it? No more headaches. No more pain or suffering of any kind. I just wanted to end it all. You know, I just realized that I’m writing this as if someone who doesn’t know a thing about me may read it, but I think this is the only way that I can honestly say I’ve gotten this off my chest.
Anyway, after breaking down, and reconsidering things over and over, I realized that I had already taken thirteen, and that it was probably too late. So, I proceeded to take more. And more. By the time I went to sleep that night, I had taken 31 aspirin. I don’t know how I remember that number to this day, but I do. I’ve tried to push the number out of my mind so many times. To forget about that night. But, painfully, that’s not how life works. I woke up the next morning feeling awful, wondering if it was a dream. But, deep down, I knew it wasn’t. On my dresser, I found an empty bottle of aspirin to prove my gut feeling.
I had tried to kill myself.
I tried to take the easy way out.
To this day I sometimes wish that it had worked. On days like today when I feel like I can’t deal with my pathetic self any longer. But, I believe that it was God’s will for me to live through taking 13 aspirin in one night, and I believe that’s the only thing that has kept me from doing it again. Oh, believe me, I have thought about doing it plenty of times since then. I could easily take more than 31 aspirin tonight and be done with everything. But I’m not. I just can’t/. I have to be strong. I have been strong since that night. It, of course, changed my life. I realized suicide is a coward’s way out. You let everyone. Well, not quite everyone you love. Deal with the pain and suffering instead of you. That is so selfish. That is another thing I have to remind myself often. Do I want to do that to the people I love? To my friends? My family? My parents? No, I don’t. But sometimes, I almost slip when I feel completely awful, and make the same mistake
I did that night. But I have yet to try to OD again, and hopefully I never will. It was the worst mistake of my life. And luckily, I lived through it. I survived and came out stronger. At least that’s what I like to think, considering I haven’t tried it again.